Cookies

Those of you that know me should know by now that I make pretty decent cakes. I'd brag and boast, but I prefer to let my cakes do all the talking.

However, that being said, I would like to let this dark secret out of the closet........

I can't make cookies.

There.

I said it.

It's true.

I recently attempted to make a batch or two to put in a care package, and the results were devastating to my ego. I have always known I cant make cookies, but I cant seem to keep from trying. They make those prefab refrigerated kinds for people with my condition, but where's the fun in making those?? Have you ever tried to eat the cookie dough from those? Blech.

While I can get a cake to rise and be just the right shape, all I ever get when I open the oven after sending perfectly good dough to its doom is a flat disk that can cause some serious harm in the hands of a proficient Cookie Ninja. I use them to fend off attackers and thieves. Im thinking I may have created a biodegradable anti theft device.... at least, I THINK it's biodegradable.........

My sister, though..... She makes really good cookies. She tried to help me, but it was a lot like training a sloth to dance the hula. Let THAT mental image sink in! Its disturbing, I know. But that's what it's like watching me mutilate batch after batch of cookie dough. It's pathetic. My ego took a beating it wont soon forget and my sister made several batches of picture perfect edible goodness to help ease the pain. I think I might need to make a cake in the near future to remind myself that Im still useful in the baked goods department next week, but I have plenty of clay pigeon substitutes to fill my time between now and then!

Target practice anyone?

You Didn't Touch Anything, Did You?

Good.

Alright, where did I leave you? Ah. That's right. You were standing around waiting for a tour. Ok, well, let me show you around.

If you look to your left you will see the recently acquired cold that has claimed at least one member of this household. Its a stealthy little bugger who sneaks up on you in broad daylight. It's like a wave that you know is coming behind you as you stand in the shallows. You dont dare turn around to see how close it's getting cause you know it'll be right there to smack you in the face and fill your nose with salt water, but because you dont look to see how close it is, it still knocks you around a bit when it smashes into you from behind. Im sure the daughter wont be the only victim.

But if you'll just step over the piles of shoes and scattering of umbrellas and look to the right you will see the Sick Goose that said daughter is nursing back to health right next to the 88 new friends the boy has made.

Next, beyond the packing tape and customs forms you'll notice that I have put up some Halloween decorations. Good Job Me. Aside from the usual orange and purple lights and various hanging items designed to induce fear into the most stout of hearts I added a flat witch to the door... you know the one... she looks like she tried to trick her way to the treats and got a door slammed in her face. I've always wanted one of those. Now I have one. Again, Good Job Me.

I'd show you more, but its all just the usual. Piles of laundry that I justified my way out of folding, perpetual dishes that always need doing, beds that are never made, sewing that may or may not get done, and Netflix videos that will eventually get watched.

That brings you up to speed. If you want to stick around to see the adventure unfold as it actually happens you are welcome to, but be warned...... its not always pretty, and mostly filled with snarky remarks and sarcasm. It's the only foreign language I speak and you know what they say... Use it or lose it! Gotta keep my skills sharp! Remember, if you stay, try not to touch anything, I just got my snow globe back to where I want it.

You missed me. I know you did.

Alright. This would be the part where I would make up some outlandish story as to why I haven't been posting, like "I went for a walk in the woods behind our house to find some inspiration and fell into a hole that led me to another world where the people walked on the ceiling and talked backwards".

The truth is.........

Well, the truth is really boring, so here's what Im going to tell you happened......

So there I was, feeding my dogs bananas and attempting to con them into doing my housework for me.... Hey... it worked for Snow White! When all of a sudden there I was; standing at the top of a dangerously sloped mountain strapped to a piece of wood that had been lacquered to a finish that would guarantee a speedy demise. Gravity being what it is, it was only a matter of time before I was zipping downhill flailing my arms and shouting warnings to fellow adventurers. I was worried there for a moment when I thought I was going too fast, but luckily there was a tree that helped me come to a crashing halt. Whew. Just as I was about to reach the safety of level surfaces I was instantly transported home again, but it was all different. Everything was in boxes and I was alone. I would recount to you the mental and emotional turmoil that was our first home purchase, but I'd rather not spread that kind of crazy around... it's highly contagious. Next thing you know Im spending my days at the Home Improvement Store buying parts for toilets so my kids dont have to swim down for breakfast in the mornings.

Then, of course, the Snow Globe that is my life gets shaken up for fun. Imagine, if you will, a warm summer day. Now, add to that summer day a few flames. Well, no, lets add more than a few, lets add a whole Truck full!! Let's put those flames right in the driver seat and see where it takes us, shall we? Oh, yeah, it takes us to Utah.

Now, imagine I spare you the crazy and we are transported home just in time to send the soldier off to war. That's where my story takes me. And that is where I leave you. Careful, dont touch anything. I'll be back soon to show you around.