Cookies

Those of you that know me should know by now that I make pretty decent cakes. I'd brag and boast, but I prefer to let my cakes do all the talking.

However, that being said, I would like to let this dark secret out of the closet........

I can't make cookies.

There.

I said it.

It's true.

I recently attempted to make a batch or two to put in a care package, and the results were devastating to my ego. I have always known I cant make cookies, but I cant seem to keep from trying. They make those prefab refrigerated kinds for people with my condition, but where's the fun in making those?? Have you ever tried to eat the cookie dough from those? Blech.

While I can get a cake to rise and be just the right shape, all I ever get when I open the oven after sending perfectly good dough to its doom is a flat disk that can cause some serious harm in the hands of a proficient Cookie Ninja. I use them to fend off attackers and thieves. Im thinking I may have created a biodegradable anti theft device.... at least, I THINK it's biodegradable.........

My sister, though..... She makes really good cookies. She tried to help me, but it was a lot like training a sloth to dance the hula. Let THAT mental image sink in! Its disturbing, I know. But that's what it's like watching me mutilate batch after batch of cookie dough. It's pathetic. My ego took a beating it wont soon forget and my sister made several batches of picture perfect edible goodness to help ease the pain. I think I might need to make a cake in the near future to remind myself that Im still useful in the baked goods department next week, but I have plenty of clay pigeon substitutes to fill my time between now and then!

Target practice anyone?

You Didn't Touch Anything, Did You?

Good.

Alright, where did I leave you? Ah. That's right. You were standing around waiting for a tour. Ok, well, let me show you around.

If you look to your left you will see the recently acquired cold that has claimed at least one member of this household. Its a stealthy little bugger who sneaks up on you in broad daylight. It's like a wave that you know is coming behind you as you stand in the shallows. You dont dare turn around to see how close it's getting cause you know it'll be right there to smack you in the face and fill your nose with salt water, but because you dont look to see how close it is, it still knocks you around a bit when it smashes into you from behind. Im sure the daughter wont be the only victim.

But if you'll just step over the piles of shoes and scattering of umbrellas and look to the right you will see the Sick Goose that said daughter is nursing back to health right next to the 88 new friends the boy has made.

Next, beyond the packing tape and customs forms you'll notice that I have put up some Halloween decorations. Good Job Me. Aside from the usual orange and purple lights and various hanging items designed to induce fear into the most stout of hearts I added a flat witch to the door... you know the one... she looks like she tried to trick her way to the treats and got a door slammed in her face. I've always wanted one of those. Now I have one. Again, Good Job Me.

I'd show you more, but its all just the usual. Piles of laundry that I justified my way out of folding, perpetual dishes that always need doing, beds that are never made, sewing that may or may not get done, and Netflix videos that will eventually get watched.

That brings you up to speed. If you want to stick around to see the adventure unfold as it actually happens you are welcome to, but be warned...... its not always pretty, and mostly filled with snarky remarks and sarcasm. It's the only foreign language I speak and you know what they say... Use it or lose it! Gotta keep my skills sharp! Remember, if you stay, try not to touch anything, I just got my snow globe back to where I want it.

You missed me. I know you did.

Alright. This would be the part where I would make up some outlandish story as to why I haven't been posting, like "I went for a walk in the woods behind our house to find some inspiration and fell into a hole that led me to another world where the people walked on the ceiling and talked backwards".

The truth is.........

Well, the truth is really boring, so here's what Im going to tell you happened......

So there I was, feeding my dogs bananas and attempting to con them into doing my housework for me.... Hey... it worked for Snow White! When all of a sudden there I was; standing at the top of a dangerously sloped mountain strapped to a piece of wood that had been lacquered to a finish that would guarantee a speedy demise. Gravity being what it is, it was only a matter of time before I was zipping downhill flailing my arms and shouting warnings to fellow adventurers. I was worried there for a moment when I thought I was going too fast, but luckily there was a tree that helped me come to a crashing halt. Whew. Just as I was about to reach the safety of level surfaces I was instantly transported home again, but it was all different. Everything was in boxes and I was alone. I would recount to you the mental and emotional turmoil that was our first home purchase, but I'd rather not spread that kind of crazy around... it's highly contagious. Next thing you know Im spending my days at the Home Improvement Store buying parts for toilets so my kids dont have to swim down for breakfast in the mornings.

Then, of course, the Snow Globe that is my life gets shaken up for fun. Imagine, if you will, a warm summer day. Now, add to that summer day a few flames. Well, no, lets add more than a few, lets add a whole Truck full!! Let's put those flames right in the driver seat and see where it takes us, shall we? Oh, yeah, it takes us to Utah.

Now, imagine I spare you the crazy and we are transported home just in time to send the soldier off to war. That's where my story takes me. And that is where I leave you. Careful, dont touch anything. I'll be back soon to show you around.

Who Knew?

Not the song... the question.
I came home from my errands today and realized that I had missed lunch. I decided it was too late to eat a full meal, because I tend to only cook dinner for my family if I am motivated to eat something too, but my meager helping of peanut butter toast didn't seem up to the task of getting me through till dinner. I opted for a snack. The bananas I just purchased at the grocery store looked mighty tempting so that's what I picked.
I know dogs have good hearing and all, but this is just silly. Both Cookie (our 7 year old Black Lab) and Razzle (our recently acquired 5 month old German Shepherd) came tearing down the hall at the sound of my banana being peeled. They sat at my feet expectantly. I wondered if dogs even liked bananas, but then I remembered that Cookie will eat pine cones and Razzle spends most of our walks eating leaves, so I thought I would try out something with a little more nutritional value. Turns out that not only do they like bananas, but they wag their tails while they wait for the next morsel. They did a pretty good job clearing that space on the floor where they sat and I briefly considered luring them all through the kitchen with the banana so they could sweep up for me!
I double checked before I gave them more and it seems to be alright if I give them a bit of that yellowie goodness every now and then as a treat so long as I use it in moderation. I don't think that will be a problem, since it's MY banana to start with and I am hungry too! By this time, Cheeto (our 4 year old Orange Tabby) came over to see what we were leaving him out of. I didn't hold out much hope, but offered him a smidgen. Naturally he turned his nose up, but he seemed to approve that I had moved on from cold medicine to fruit.
So, what did we learn today?
The cat doesn't want anything from anybody.
The dogs like Bananas, but don't want to sweep the entire kitchen floor.
And I need slightly more nutrition than a half a banana to get me from breakfast to dinner.

I Learned Something New......

So, I got this email. It was from my sister. I love emails from my sister. She sends the best stuff. Today she sent me an email and it was titled 'Page 56'.
Ok.
So I open the email and there's nothing there. Not even one of the promised 56. (for those of you who already know what's going on here, bear with me.... I'll get there) I was perplexed. I wondered out loud (and in a reply to all) what could be on Page 56. Then I think that maybe it is some entity unto itself like Area 51 or Heinz 57. I ask my brainiac of a husband if he knows what it is and he replies "Not a clue". I am shocked that he doesn't know what it is, and saddened by my lack of knowlege in this subject matter.
About this time the cat saunters over (yes, he really did saunter.... it's charming, but you should see his mosey) and asks me to feed him.... at least that's what I THINK he is asking.... I dont actually speak Hungarian.
So, I tell him I will race him up the stairs and take them two at a time. Of course he beat me to the top and is sitting there like he has been waiting HOURS for me. "Show Off" I mutter. I feed him and he looks at it briefly before turning his orange eyes on me with that "Leftovers, AGAIN?" look on his face. I shrug my shoulders and walk out of the room.
That's when my all-the-knowlege-of-the-world-at-his-fingertips husband announces that he knows what this whole 'Page 56' thing is about. I am instantly curious (shocker, I know) He explains to me that 'Page 56' is an internet meme.
Awesome.
I dont know what a meme is, and that is clearly written on my face, so my husband sighs with the patience one might show to a small child and explains what a meme is. He tells me that we JUST had this conversation when I found the Gummy Bear Song. Meme (pronounced Meem and NOT May May or Maime) is "any idea or behavior that can pass from one person to another by learning or imitation. Memes propagate themselves and can move through the cultural sociosphere in a manner similar to the contagious behavior of a virus."
Huh.
That last part is my favorite. "Contagious behavior of a virus". I like it. It's catchy. Like a virus!!!
Alright, I'll stop.....
So, back to THIS particular 'Internet Meme'....... Apparently when you get this 'Page 56' you are supposed to grab the closest book and open it to page 56 and write down line 5 of said book as your Facebook Status (or blog about it from what I am told). I think it's a very fun idea, but why exactly is it line 5? Why not line 7? Why not the 56th word? My husband tells me he didnt make the rules, and I am slightly irked.
As the closest book to me happens to be a cupon book and does not even HAVE 56 pages, you will have to wait. I will come down the stairs in the morning and grab the first book I reach for on the shelf on the way to the computer and you will get Page 56, Line 5 (or the 56th word... I havent' decided.... Oooooh.... what if the 56th word is ON the 5th line??? Creepy....)
Right.... so, until tomorrow!

Internet Meme Page 56 Line 5, As Promised

inch, then halted and wobbled in his grip. "Give me a hand here!"

So there you have it. There's the contents of the 5th line of the 56th page in the first book I laid eyes on this morning. Granted it was through sleep fogged eyes, but there you have it.
The book is Brisingr. It was supposed to be the last in the Inheritance Trilogy, but as the acknowledgments at the end will tell us, it was just too much to squeeze into one last book. Thus the Trilogy becomes the Series. *Sigh. I guess I will have to wait to see how this one ends too.
Sure my line isn't something random from a Shel Silverstein book, or something clever from a useless fact book, or even something unique (like my sisters) that came from the script she had in hand because she was at rehersals, but what I lack in distinctivness I make up for in...... well, I dont really. There's no excuse. I have failed to make this work to my advantage. The only thing I can say is that the 56th word actually DID find it's way into the 5th line. It's 'And'. So that's something.

Friends Are The Rest Stops On The Highway Of Life

That's right. Friends are the Rest Stops on the Highway of Life. Sometimes they are few are far between and it never fails that when you decide to wait for the next one you have a sudden need for the one that just passed.
I like to drive the speed limit on my highway of life and stop at all of the attractions that are advertised on the roadside. Occasionally I have detours and I can always count on road work to slow me down and make the trip frustrating for a while, but I try not to pass up the rest stops if I can help it. I think I am on the scenic route of my highway at the moment. Its very pretty, but as I have not traveled this road before I can't be sure where the rest stops are and what lies ahead. So far my rest stops have been the kind you find in Texas. There are a couple of covered tables and some garbage cans, but no restrooms. Good to stop and stretch the ol appendages, but not quite what I need. (for those NOT following the analogy.... these are the friends I have left behind. They are still there for me if I call them, but there isn't much they can do if I want them to come and share cake scraps with me)
I am happy to report, though, that I found a rest stop that has all the amenities! I have a standing appointment on Mondays. We get together and we chat, and gripe, and laugh, and joke, and listen. Recently I opted to skip one of our get togethers. I didnt like it, but it was necessary. I see it as one of those moments on the highway where you see a note under the Rest Stop sign that tells you that the next one is 32 miles away. I thought that I would be able to make it to the next one, but like it always is, I spent the next 32 miles wishing I had stopped. We joked all week about how I am her therapy and it threw her for a loop to not have that girl time, but in reality she is MY therapy too. I didnt realize how much I had come to rely on that rest stop until I had passed it up.
Consider my lesson learned. When life offers you shade, vending machines and (hopefully) well maintained lavatories do NOT pass it up.

A Word Of Warning.......

I have been hearing warnings my whole life. Not a day goes by when I dont hear some cautionary statement. When I was younger they were things like 'dont touch that..... it's hot' and 'look both ways before crossing the road'. All very helpful. They made sense. They still do.
As I got older and progressed into teenage/young adult-hood the warnings didnt stop, in fact, they became more pronounced. It seemed as if new warnings were revealed every day. I was then seeing things like 'dont use in the shower' on my hair dryer and 'Do not iron clothes on body'. Most of the warnings seemed fairly logical, like 'May irritate eyes' on a can of Pepper Spray. I could see where it made sense not to do those things. I remember at about that time I became aware of a whole new genre of comedic jokes cropping up because of them. I also remember that it seemed to stem from a lawsuit against a fast food chain.
As I moved on to Adult/Mother-hood I started seeing warnings that I never thought I would see. On the umbrella stroller we purchased I was urged to remove my child BEFORE folding for storage. I was also made aware that the Superman costume I got for my son DID NOT enable him to fly. Sure, I was a little disappointed by that one, but I suppose I had to see it coming.
Most recently I was packing lunch for my kids and I noticed a label on the box of fruit snacks I had selected. It said "Keep Kids Safe! To avoid choking, give fruit flavored snacks only to those children who can easily swallow chewy foods." That seemed a little obvious, but understanding that companies would rather state the obvious than be slapped with a law suit justifies the blatancy. It was the last sentence on the tiny square of warning that really caught my attention though. It seemed to go beyond the obligatory 'use your brain people' and reach into the 'hey, and while we're at it, here's some advice' category. It said, "Children should be seated and supervised while eating"
Naturally I mentally recounted all of the moments where my children were not seated while eating (I couldn't recall any time when they were not supervised, as I was not there supervising) and thought about sending myself into a spiral of guilt for letting my children wander about while eating. Then I saw my daughter rush through the kitchen with a pop tart in her mouth looking for her other sock, followed by my husband zipping past me with a bagel in hand announcing that he was late before hastening out the door. I mentally made a note to share with them the bit of advice I had gleaned from Betty Crocker so that next time they zip around with food in their mouths I can say "Don't come crying to me when you choke on your food because you were neither seated nor supervised!"
I think I might take up the practice by adding my own advice to warnings the I see from now on, kind of like how my husband tacks his own saying to the end of fortunes from cookies. So, next time I see the warning 'May cause drowsiness' I might say something like 'Sleeping should be performed in a dark, quiet space'.

You'll Never Think Of Them The Same Way Again.......

Music is a big part of my life. Not as big as making room for movie lines to quote randomly as they apply to everyday conversation or clearing out some of the periodic table I memorized in high school to make room for some useless bit of trivia, like knowing that an octopus can lay about a thousand eggs at one time and that they are deaf, but still a big part.
Occasionally we have an evening where someone in the family says "Have you heard this song yet?" and thus we replace the planned watching of a taped show (Like Heroes) with the hunt for music. Tonight was one of those nights. It started when I sat at my computer to check my email and maybe peruse the Flair on Facebook. My daughter came up to me and asked me to look for a video on You Tube that her music teacher had shown them. (???? Music teachers show kids You Tube videos ????) So I ask her what it was called and began the search, wary of what I would find.....
It's called the Gummy Bear Song. Here, you can watch it if you like......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9lUSLRhVdw&feature=related
Go ahead... I'll wait...............
What'd you think? Yeah. Me too. The polka dotted underwear was a nice touch. I now have the song stuck in my head, and I am quite certain that I will sing it in my head (if not out loud) every time I see Gummy Bears. I am planning to go to the movies on the 21st, and I know I will get a box and sing the song to myself while I wait for the previews.
I decided to do a little research on the song (mostly to find the lyrics, because if I have to have it in my head, I might as well know what I am supposed to be singing!) and I found out that it is actually a novelty dance song by German composer Christian Schneider called 'I Am Your Gummy Bear'. It has been translated into 7 different languages, spawned a line of clothing, and even became the number 1 ring tone for 8 months in its native Hungarian language. Impressive, I know.
Like most people with short attention spans, even You Tube could not hold me for long. We got through about 4 more songs and then several Lego Reenacted clips from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail before we called it quits.
And so it is that I retire to bed this evening with my head full of Movin', Groovin', Jammin', Singin' Gummy Bears and a very strange craving for something sweet and chewy.... huh.....